Lost and Found

I finished my master’s thesis and snuck into graduation because they wouldn’t let me officially attend. It was supposed to be a happy day, but I was just numb. A week afterward, Christmas – which was somber and lonely due to the family conflicts. When we got home from Christmas and hunting, I went straight down into a dark hole.

I guess I had it coming. This degree/career change was the most difficult and stressful thing I’ve ever done, and I guess I was hoping to recover from it the same way I had other things – a few days on the couch in my pajamas watching movies. My body and mind had other plans and had screamed at me long enough. Anxiety attacks, heart problems, primal fear and a complete lack of desire to eat paired with the inability to sleep drove me to seek help in early January. Cleared of serious issues I was given a prescription I did not want to be on and told to “give it time.” Not able to study for the RD exam or even concentrate on hobbies, my mind was completely useless and I spent most of the winter just trying to make it through the day.

My doctor described it as a “rough patch.” I would describe it more as a complete reckoning of pushing myself past my mental and physical limits and dealing (or not dealing) with anxiety and depression I tried for years to push down. I eventually started to feel better, to walk outside in the snow, take tons of vitamins and sleep again. I talked to someone who was helpful, and I read a lot. Slowly the appetite began to return. Slowly, the brain fog lifted.

My husband dangled a vacation in front of me as motivation – take your RD test, and we’ll do a victory lap. I scheduled my RD exam and we had a date on the calendar. I took the test and passed it (that’s a story for a separate post). We left the next morning, and had an amazing vacation. I felt good.

I said all that to say this: we should never be embarrassed about our mental health struggles. Life has a way of shaking things up when you need to elevate and move forward – and I guess I had to shed some old problems to make way for new growth. Now I am an RD. Now I am looking for work and holding out for an outpatient position rather than taking the first thing I can find. Now I am healing, changing, and rejecting the old way I used to think and behave so I can have better. I used to be embarrassed of my mental health challenges – one friend made fun of it many years ago and it hurt me – but now I understand how many people suffer in silence like I did for so many years, and how important it is to address it head-on if you want to feel better. It is scary, vulnerable, and absolutely necessary.

A new job will mean a new life for me and the completion of a dream 6 years in the making. I have a promising 2nd interview next week for a position with huge growth potential and I’m excited about it. It is wonderful to feel excited again. And hungry – funny how when your appetite comes back, all the bad ideas of food lab projects start up again………